Our Favourite Cup, Dress, Shirt or Otherwise

We all have our favourite something.  If it is a cup, we drink from it.  Not that drinks taste exceptional with it, but we kinda get used to it over time.  We drink from it everyday.  It is our favourite cup after all.

One day, maybe our favourite cup is broken.  At first it is a small crack and we still use it.  If it is repairable, we should repair it so that we don’t hurt ourselves using it.  But if it becomes so broken that it cannot be repaired and we are hurting just by drinking from it, we have to ask ourselves if we should still hurt ourselves this way.

This is when we should reflect on how this cup has
served us well but that it is no longer suitable for us to use the cup anymore.  We don’t have to smash it up or start getting angry with the cup.  It does not make it any better.  Put it aside (or recycle it?) and move on.

If we cling onto the cup, identify with the cup and grasp onto it strongly, then we end up hurting ourselves.

When we are thirsty, find a cup, drink, put the cup down.  Don’t bring it to the loo.

Away Till Mid-Dec

Dear Friends,

I’ll be away till mid-Dec. Take care and remember to be mindful.

If something upset you today, ask yourself, “Why?”. Is it because someone did something wrong, and you are thinking “I am right and he is in the wrong.” ? If you are indeed right, then why be angry? Why allow yourself to be upset? Since you are right, you should be happy!

Give yourself a challenge, to be calm and happy regardless of whether others are right or wrong.

Take care of your bodily, emotional and mental health my friend. Only you can do that. Don’t give your emotional remote to others and let others make you happy or sad.

In the meantime, have a nice day …. Unless you have other plans!

With Metta,

I Am Going to Slap You! *Piak*

What if I tell you that I am going to slap you when I see you?  Never mind that I don’t really have a good reason to do so or that I don’t know who is reading this entry … unless you leave a comment.

Future Slap

Now, I have not slapped you yet.  but already, you may start wondering why this crazy monk wants to slap you.  Or you may start pondering on when I might really slap you.  Perhaps you are already worrying about the slap and how painful or embarrassing it would be.  You might even start to become upset at me or become afraid of me, because of the future slap that I *may* deliver to your rosy cheeks.  All these occurring without me having slapped you just yet.  I may end up giving you a pat or punch or nothing at all.  But who knows?

Now, the only thing that has happened is really your reaction to the possibility of being slapped some time in the future.  Maybe your reaction is justified, or maybe it is not.  What is certain is that your reaction if at all, is the one thing affecting you.  Each time you recall the statement “I am going to slap you”, and start going into a semi-uncontrolled spin of rumination and emotional acrobatics, you are giving yourself a slap, a mental slap at that.

Instead of doing that, when you notice that you mind has started on this cycle or even inclining towards it, be aware and
mindful of it.  Mentally label it.  => Say in your mind, labelling it “thinking, thinking, thinking.”  Do this instead of diving into the thoughts and begin slapping yourself silly.  Noting and labeling the mind that has wandered off thinking about things can interrupt the cycle while strengthening mindfulness.  Bring it back to the present moment, wherever you are, whatever you are doing.  Give your mind a rest.

Past Slap

Conversely, I may have already slapped you in the past, and each time you think about it, you get so upset.  You wonder how anyone can be so rude and uncouthly, and you wonder why you did not prevented my slap with your karate block or something.  When one dwells in this way, one becomes agitated and the mind spins once again into a mental rut, unable to extract itself out.  When we do that, we are again slapping ourselves mentally.  While the person slapped us once, we slap ourselves again and again whenever we go into that little corner, experiencing the stinging slap each time.  We end up slapping ourselves more than what that person did.

Stop slapping ourselves.  When you notice that the mind has started on this cycle or even inclining towards it, be aware and mindful of it.  Do as mentioned above:

Note – Label the mental process of “Thinking” for 5 to 10 secs
Bring the mind back to the present moment, be it your breathe or whatever you are doing.

The same applies to pleasant experiences where we reminisce over the past.  While this seem pretty harmless, it can unfortunately spin off into discontentment of the present and take us on an emotional roller-coaster ride.  Similarly, if we start letting our mind wander to the future, of what would happen, may or what we would do or may do, the mind goes into an auto-pilot mode that more often than not lands in a ditch.

Break the Cycle

We can break the cycle.  Wanting to break the cycle is important.  Recognising that the faults of this cycle aligns ourselves in the right direction.  Then we have to start doing something about it.  Before we spin into such cycles, we train ourselves to be take care of our mind and be mindful of where it is going and what it is doing.  We can do so by using mindfulness meditation to train ourselves.  As we sit and watch the breathe, labelling it as it rises and fall, or as it goes in and out, we train the mind.  As we do walking meditation, we learn to watch and be mindful of the walking.  While doing that, we also start to be mindful of how the mind is so fleeting, even whilst we walk (or get on with our daily lives), like a leave in the wind, perpetually on the move.

But as we train and become more and more mindful, we are more easily aware when the mind has drifted.  We then slow down the tendency to spin into those emotional ruts.  Overtime, we tame the mind.  What we do with it after that, is another blog entry.

In the meantime, go, go to the empty space, go to the empty room, go meditate.  Or just close your eyes right now and where you are, just meditate, even for 5 secs, 5 mins or 50 mins.

 

Happy Thoughts ^_^

Based on a sharing with a visitor to the library yesterday, on how she can meditate.

Work, Work, Work

Below is my sharing with a Buddhist on coping with work related difficulties.

Thank you for replying and again sharing with me your present work life.

It sounds like you are having a tough time at work. I hope things will turn for the better for you. But before the situation including your boss change, let’s look at what we can do on our side.

There are many areas that we can look at, but for a start, we can look at two primary aspects of it. External (worldly, superficial, processes) and internally (spiritual well being, motivation, satisfaction etc).

I tend to like to help people solve their problems with the simplest solution where possible. This is most helpful to achieve short-term improvements but stress and problems may recur if the internal aspect is not improved and developed.

Jobscope
The only job scope is the one given by our boss. Yes we signed on the dotted line, yes, there is the contract, terms and conditions etc, but on the ground, our immediate superior can and usually would assign us tasks and projects etc as needed. If our job scope remains the same from day 1 till we retired 30 years later, that would not speak well of us would we? Do we also complain when the boss give us a raise or promotion?

On the other hand, does that mean that we should slog and sell our whole life to the company? No, we should not. While our boss can assign to us tasks and projects he deem necessary, it is up to us to decide whether we still want the job if the scope has changed so drastically.

Between the boss’ demands and our ability to fulfill the tasks, we have to find a balance that we are can breathe in. Sometimes the right thing to do is let a project fail if it is stretching the team too thin. Yes, you heard me right. Sometimes a minor setback in a project is better than a breakdown in YOU. You are not defined by the project you do. That is not who you are. We should be responsible for our work but not be solely defined and bounded by it. It is ok to fail.

Failure will let your boss and management know that it really does not work. While we should not sabotage the project, there is no reason to break ourselves just so that the project goes smoothly.

If the boss still fail to see that there is a flaw in the work arrangement, you may want to rethink whether this job is suitable.

(Sidenote: What is your job title?)

On the spiritual (internal) end, it is important to be able to maintain the internal peace and calm while we work. As long as we decide to continue working in the company, we have to be at work for 9 ~ 11 hours a day. Whether we do it happily or not, we are still bounded by contract and duty to do it.

From a bodhisattva path point of view, going to work can be an opportunity to help solve sentient beings’ problems and difficulty. Work is precisely that. It is about transforming different problems into simpler or a different one and passing that problem to another person who in turn do the same until it is simple enough to be solved. Instead of dreading to do work, a bodhisattva ‘work’ with a mindset of helping others solve their problems, removing their stress and fear. They also do that with the intention of creating positive Dharma links in order to fulfill the long term resolve of leading oneself and others towards Nirvana!

From an arahant-aspirant point of view, going to work can be an opportunity to earn a livelihood that is blameless and if possible be of positive impact on others. In the process, if there is defilements arising in oneself, then it becomes an opportunity to practise mindfulness and watch how the
defilements arise and how they cease. And through that process, reduce and eradicate defilements gradually.

It is good to chant Amitabha and Guanyin pusa’s name everyday. For one who does that, one resolves to apply mindfulness in one’s life. A Guanyin pusa’s disciple will try to have loving thoughts and compassion towards all he see, hear or encounter.

The chanting can help us get centred even at work. When you hear the phone ring, let it remind you like the Buddhist bells, a reminder to be mindful, to be mindful of the Buddha and pusa’s qualities that we resolve to develop in ourselves. A reminder to be mindful of our body, speech and mind.

About your fears, it may be good to speak in person.
Whenever you are free, you and your family are welcome to come to the Buddhist Library to receive blessings and guidance. To avoid disappointment, do call in advance.

Hope this help you tide through your tough time.
May you be guided and protected by the Buddha, Dharma and the Sangha!

Suki hontu! ^_^

Watching the Mind Bounce

A bouncing ball captured with a stroboscopic flash at 25 images per second.

I received an email from someone asking for advice.  Agatha (not the real name!) ask why she is never content with what she has and keep looking for more.  She further asks what happiness is.  She feels weak and tired in the mind and heart.

I wrote her:

Congratulations ###! You have observed that you are discontent with what you have and keep looking for more! ^_^
Further, you rightly observe how this leads the mind and heart to be weak and tired. Well done!

As to why you do that? We all know the answer deep within. It is that we don’t know any better. As in, we don’t know any other way to be happy or to pursue happines (if happiness can be pursued externally at all!).

If your heart-mind is tired, let it rest for a while. When it leaps outward at the world, know that it is leaping, but try to just watch it but not go with it. Kinda like when you are in a movie and your phone goes buzzing silently and you know it is buzzing but don’t go check it.

Do this first and let me know what happens.

Suki hontu!

So dear friends, why don’t you try this today?  Try watching your mind* and see if you can observe but not follow the impulses that arises.  Try and see if you can do it like you know the phone buzz without necessarily checking the phone.  See if you can watch the mind bouncing without going along with it.

Pre-requisite:

  • If you are not a Buddhist, the good news is you don’t** have to be a Buddhist to do so.
  • You just have to be alive (duh!)
  • Want to be happy
  • Ready to take charge and be responsible for your happiness
  • Committed to developing good mental habits

The Dharma is described as the Truth, not because we want to stake claim to be the Truth bearers or wish to disclaim others.  The Dharma is described as the Truth because its principles were observed directly by the Buddha and applies whether you believe it or not.  Just as the Law of Gravity applies whether you subscribe to it or even know it or not, you are accelerating at a rate of 9.8m/s2 (g ~ 9.80665 m/s).  

In a similar way, the Buddha’s teaching describes the Truth of our existence.  So, come and see for yourself.  Ehi passiko.

* For a more thorough discourse on observing and being mindful of the mind, see Digha-nikaya 22: Maha-satipatthana Sutta: The Great Frames of Reference.
** This is not a rationalisation for Buddhists to stop being Buddhists and pretending to practise.  :p  If you already subscribe to the teachings internally, why not commit to it externally as well?

Reference

Parenthood Is Not a Popularity Contest

Kids these days are really “lucky”. I see a lot of parents buzzing around their precious little ones, so too eager to please them, some even apologise to their child when their child fall and hurt themselves through their own misbehaviour. I’m not suggesting that parents should not want to bring happiness to their children. But if that is the only concern, then they are in trouble. Both the parents and the child that is.

There are two aspects I want to consider: 1) the consequence of being so preoccupied with pleasing the children and 2) the rationale behind it.  I’ll start with the rationale part.

Wanting them to be Happy

I think it is a good thing that most parents want happiness for their children.  Adult life in modern Singapore (or most places) is stressful enough, we don’t need parents to make our childhood worse off.  Anthropologist would perhaps say that this is the nurturing and social quality of humans that forms the basis for growth and development of the human species and communities.  Evolutionist would say that such qualities proved to be suitable for the survival of the human species.  I’m just glad it is so and that my parents were very loving even if my mom had to introduce me to the finer points of caning (of the palms) in my younger years as a schoolboy.

I say “most parents” grudgingly as a part of me is still reconciling with those cases where parents abuse, harm and even prove to be fatal to their children.  Unfortunately, there are such parents.  Fortunately, they belong to the fringe, the anomalies if you will.  This article is not really about them, though if they would try to behave more like they are in the parenting popularity contest, they would be better off.

Giving happiness to our children is not wrong.  Wanting happiness for them is not a crime.  Being happy when they smile and not cry is in no way something to be apologetic over.  The problem (like “buts”, there is always a problem!) is when that is all we are concerned about.  If our logic is that parents should satisfy every whims and fancy of the child in order for them to be happy, then we are so wrong.  It is one thing to be able to give our child what they want, it is another thing to simply give them everything they want.  If we do so just to achieve immediate happiness, we may end up building in them this instant-gratification mindset.  The whole society and media is already doing it, we don’t need to deepen it.

Being parents, we should have our child’s welfare and happiness in mind.  But comparing short term and long term happiness, we as adults should know better.  Behave in a myopic manner and we may regret 10 to 20 years from now, while our child have to face those consequences in his character and person for his whole life.

Parenthood is not a Popularity contest

So why do parents behave in such a way?  I observe that in the past family structure, parents in their old age may be more financially dependent on their children.  It is traditional that the parents would stay with one of the children, normally the eldest son or child.  It may vary but parents would typically stay with one of the children and be looked after in their old age.  Parents today are supposed to be more independent socially and financially but they appear to be emotionally dependent compared to parents of the earlier generation.  While I have not done any studies, I observe that many young parents these days are very concerned whether their children love or like them or not.  This to me, is one of the factor that fuels the popularity parenting mindset.  There may be other factors involved, and I hope to hear from you all
your thoughts about it.

The combination of ‘myopia’ and popularity parenting mindset creates a dangerous situation where the parents’ sole aim is to please the child, somewhats at all cost, financially and emotionally.  Without regard for the long term impact, this put the parents squarely at the mercy of the child’s emotional roller-coaster.  While the parent seem to win the love of the child, they are unwittingly teaching the child emotional-ransom.  The by-product is that some children may over the years, grow up believing that the world should and would revolve around them, just as their parents did.  By the time they reach their late teens or early twenties and step into society, they may not be emotionally resilient enough to face life’s setback.  While nobody wants such an outcome, it can become the eventual scenario if the earlier factors are not nipped off sooner.

Don’t worry if you are their favorite parent or not, just be the best parent they have!

Fortunately, I also see parents who are playing the adult role in the parent-child relationship.  Instead of being overly preoccupied with short-term happiness, they provide for their children suitably without succumbing to the temptation of “Favorite Parent Award”.  Not always giving your child what they want may mean that they will cry a little here and there, but they will also learn that they cannot cry their way to their next toy.  Oh and while you are at it, please hush your child and not let your child wail, scream and flail around in the bus or train.  Have some decency and respect for other’s peace and space.  Besides, tt is also safer for the child if you restrain him while in a moving vehicle.

On top of giving and providing for their material needs, please also give them some good values.  Grades only appear in their certificates while money is only useful when gone (spent!).  Values stay in their heart for the rest of their life.  And the best way to give them good values, is to live by those values.

I’m not anyone’s parent, but I learnt from the best parents, the best and only parents I ever had.