Bite-sized Dharma on the go!
Dharma Talk “Accepting Failure” this morning at Buddhist Fellowship for the Young People Dhamma Service.
Time 1015am
Venue Buddhist Fellowship
2 Telok Blangah Street 31, Yeo’s Building, #02-00, Singapore 108942
Monthly Dharma Talk at Singapore Buddhist Mission
(Every 2nd Sunday)
Time 1pm
Venue Singapore Buddhist Mission
09 Ruby Lane, Singapore 328284
Sunrise taken during an early Dharma walk.
In the past six years, I have had the privilege of meeting various people to counsel them. Some are individuals facing challenges at work, others in school, while some are couples or spouses. I also get to meet families where the parents are having trouble with their children, either in their behaviour, studies or both. This reminds me of my earlier mentor-counseling days back in mid-late 90s from my final year in university to my work life before I left for monkhood and began training in Fa Yun Monastery in New Mexico, US. The key difference was that back then, I was there as a befriender and the teens were referred to me through the school and counseling centre. Now, they come with their parents.
While they all have different background and face different difficulties, they have a similar disdain for one thing that practically all teens simply cannot stand: Nagging parents.
It is amazing how parents I have met, can bring themselves to repeat themselves again and again and again. One mother shared that she would repeat herself at least 10 times before something happens, and by something, she meant either she lose her marbles and goes bat-shit crazy or she get her husband to come and get the child to do as told.
Maybe 10 times is an exaggeration. But wait, she says that sometimes she goes beyond that. One thing is for sure, over the lifetime of a child, I’m pretty sure that one’s mother or father may have repeated themselves over and over and over again. Why do they do that? They hope that the child would change. Great idea! But to the child, it becomes nagging, it just becomes background noise.
Giving a reminder is one thing, giving 10 reminders or more is another. We think that children are the ones who need nagging, oops, I mean reminders. The thing is, if there are no consequences to ignoring reminders, people in general will just ignore them. The parking “aunty” may annoy some people and do not strike most people as a profession of high standing, this person is part of a critical part of the civil servants in Singapore who enforces the law or
regulations. Without the parking aunty, there would be no consequences for illegal parking. Without consequences for illegal parking, then the very law on land use is moot. As much as lawyers and judges run the show in courtrooms, the ground law enforcement officers represents the law and delivers it in your face.
So what does that got to do with nagging and parenting? You see, if we just start nagging and deliver no consequences to a no-show, then the nagging is the warning and consequence. If the punishment for parking illegally is to get a parking ticket that simply ‘fines’ you with more parking tickets, who would care? Just more scrap paper maybe?
The flow-chart above is an example of the “communication” (or nagging) process. In some cases, parents get tired of doing it, and they simply do it for them. They become the ‘maids’ while the kids become the boss. They do so until they get sick of it and they start nagging their kids again. Rinse-and-repeat. Sometimes, they would discipline their child, other times they would just do it for them. You will notice in the image, a big cross over the “do it for them” bubble. While it does ‘solve’ the dishes, dirty clothes, dirty room etc problem, the child gets a free room service. Do it a few more times and we accidentally teach the child that ignoring the naggings may well get the job done or disciplining. Hey, might as well take my chances!
When getting children to do their chores, it is useful to stop their activity and have their full attention first. But have a bit of reasonable buffer and not expect your child to give soldier drill precision results at your beck and call. Remember that you are trying to nurture your child, not train a soldier as well.
Some time back, I heard of a line “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” Today, after a google search, I found that this quote is from the author Rita Mae Brown in her book Sudden Death on Pg. 68 from 1983 [1]
Sounds familar? When parents nag and nag and nag, hoping to get different results, they are really exhibiting some level of insanity. Is that what is meant by parents being driven nuts by their kids?
Our parents, with their incessant nagging, do seem like lunatics sometimes. I mean, what makes them think that we are going to budge* and suddenly change with the next gentle reminder?
No one in this world, in their sane mind would do that, surely. No one. No one but our dear parents. For us, they are willing to be insane. For us, they are driven to their wits end. For us, they are willing to nag again and again and again. They just hope that we will change the next hundredth time they nag. They just hope like crazies. For even if there is one strand of hope, they will be willing to be crazy, to act like lunatics, to nag at us just one more time.
There is no special celebration today for mothers, fathers or parents in general. But to all parents, care givers, mentors, and teachers! Thank you for being crazy for us!
PS: In a somewhat poignant way, today I kinda understand how it must have felt for my mom when a long time ago, I forced an apology out of her. While I think I was right back then, I now understand how she felt when she said “I’m your mom, do you really need me to apologise to you?”.
Sorry mom! *weep*
Reference
Sometimes what people need from us is a listening ear.
I know how that feels like, to really just need to share something with someone. Ok, I felt that way like maybe twice in my whole life, but I digress.
A long long time ago, I read this interesting book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” and chuckled over the insightful note that men tend to be fixers while women tend to be listeners. Almost any time women share with men the challenges or difficulties they are facing, men will put on their “Mr-Fix-It” hat and start offering solutions. Meanwhile women feel a disconnect, that they are not being heard. After awhile, the man tend to stop offering solutions, or in some cases just zone out. Then women would feel even more strongly that the man in their life is not listening to them!
It does not really matter whether the solution is valid or not, ‘cos sometimes people, not just women, just want someone to talk to or be heard, to feel like they are not alone facing their problem. Sometimes all we really need is that emotional or morale support really.
Those of us with a “Mr-Fix-It” hat glued to our hat, can learn to go easy with our hammer as well. Not all conversations are about a nail that needs hammering or a hole to be plugged. If we really want to help with solutions, it is vital to first listen as well, otherwise we might be bringing a plumber’s wrench to fix an electrical wiring fault, or as some would say, to bring a sword to a gun-fight.
I share this not because I’m faultless, but because occasionally, I would do that as well. Recently, a friend shared with me her experiences in active listening training on how various factors like postures, body language, eye-contact, affirmation can promote listening.
A key point was on listening without thinking. Most people are lost in their thoughts without listening completely to what the other person has to say. We are busy formulating our reply or answers and are just waiting for a chance to have our say.
Her sharing struck a few cords in me. Besides the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” I mentioned above, it also reminded me of the counselling training I had back during university days by Shan You Counselling Centre, the training in consulting earlier on, and how that’s exactly what I saw in people whom I was having counselling or discussions with.
Many people were indeed drifting away mid-sentence, either thinking about other matters or waiting for a chance to reply … or give advices!
So I was somewhat surprised when my friend told me that me jotting notes while counselling meant that I was not 100% listening. It got me thinking whether I am a good listener. Perhaps I’ve gotten jaded over the years and assumed that I know all the intricacies of people’s mind and the problems they face and so I stopped listening so much. Or maybe I’ve become complacent and thought that I can listen and write without colouring my hearing? While I like to think that I do listen, as with most things, it is probably a shade of gray and I’m probably somewhere in between.
It is a good reminder to listen, to listen attentively with our heart.
Perhaps the next time you drop by and talk to me, you will see my pen resting idly on the writing pad or book, while I listen to what you have to say. And if you ask me any questions or need me to suggest a solution, then will I start writing, drawing, sketching and illustrating my point.
Be like Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa 觀世音菩薩, listening attentively to the cries of sentient beings in the world, ready to care, comfort and love all.
Happy Vesak Day!
Bonus Item
A very revealing video on how active listening is most important! :p
It’s Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.
Dear friends, join me in this Dharma course on the Water Repentance Puja 水懺, starting June, every Friday for 8 sessions.
We’ll share the practice of repentance found in Buddhism and how that can help us find inner peace in our life.
In our life, we have a choice. Are we going to go through 9 hours of work grumpily or cheerfully?
Are we going to study for 3 to 4 years of undergrad studies just to earn a degree that we use only once for our first job, or are we going to actually learn something useful about this world, ourselves and others?
Are we going to stay faithful and committed to what we started with, be it a
project or a relationship? Are you going to get frustrated over things in life or are we going to choose to be happy?
It is easy to be happy when we get what we want. That is the first skill we all have. It is easy to be unhappy when we don’t get what we want. That is the second skill we all also have. But we have a third skill. We can choose to be at ease, or not to be unhappy when we don’t get what we want.
I say this not because I have mastered the third skill, but because I’ve tasted it and I know you can too.
So what is your choice my friend, are you going to watch this video?
Credits
Picture from http://www.louisalloro.com/blog/?p=960
A friend recently ask me why I would want photos that do not contain myself in it. That got me thinking. Yes, why?
At its simplest, photos provide a visual snapshot of a time from the past. It allows us to relive those moments and remember the events, the places, the conversations, and most importantly the people. It reminds us of the good times, … and the very good times. We seldom bring out our cameras or snap a heated argument with our mobiles. Maybe we should. Should we?
Sometimes, hidden beneath the smiles and laughter in the photo is a tinge of sadness or unhappiness that only the persons would know. Photos don’t lie, but they can’t tell as well. Looking at these photos may bring a smile as we look back at our own silliness or our ‘old self’ and wonder why we were so upset or happy then or it may rekindle old feelings that we have long forgotten and thought gone, but like an old friend, now stirs our heart.
Taking a peek into yesteryears, it may also reminds us of how the people in the photos have changed. How we and others are not the same persons anymore. We have changed. We will change. We are changing. We may long to be back in the “good ol’days”. It seems like every generation will look back to their youths and pin for these years long gone and scorn at the youths of present days and wonder what went wrong. And these same very youths will do the same in future, perhaps with holographic immersive videos or cerebral implants instead of printed photos or our tablets and phones.
With digital photos, those moments are forever preserved and locked away, not to be lost, until we wish to reminiscent over days past, or when you accidentally chance upon them while clearing up old archive folders. Like the photo albums of past, we usually stash them aside until the Chinese new year or when a relative visits. With digital photos, we are no longer limited to the 16 or 32 shots per reel, each photo of the hundreds and thousands we snap each year, does it make each of them less valuable?
Speaking of value, if you have to choose between “seeing a person frequently or everyday and not have any photos of that person” vs “seeing a person occasionally and have some photos”, what would you choose? How about not getting to see that person again but to have as much photos of that person? With videos? If photos and videos capture the moments shared with a person, albeit less than ideal, then do they serve as a substitute in their absence? Or do they serve as a surrogate being, an extension of that person?
Perhaps it is the knowledge that we would one day not be able to see one another, that we try feebly to capture as many moments as we can, so that when a person who is special to us is gone, separated from us, we can still have them, have their ‘presence’, even if it is a
less than perfect replacement. This holding on to of one another, wishing for it to last, perhaps just one more day? Is that all it is, our powerless struggle against the tides of change, grasping helplessly onto wisp of memories of fond time past?
From the earliest archaelogical findings of cave paintings, humanity has tried to capture what we experience. Regardless of their intentions and hopes, no matter how fruitless the outcome, it has served to give us, tens of hundreds and thousands of years and centuries later, a peer into the days gone by. We may interpret Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa as a self-portrait or a drawing of his love-interest, and be totally wrong, or we may see “The Scream” and think that it is his rendering of the scream of innocence lost, while scientists would tell you that it is an artistic expression of the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, one which split up an island, covered many regions with ashes and caused a drop in global temperature by 1.2 deg C.
We may never quite know what went through the minds of all those artists, but to those who were there, it is perhaps an affirmation that yes, it did happen. That like the bisons hunted by early man, the thoughts and emotions in artists did exist as well, even if only in their minds and hearts. When we take a picture today, does it not affirm in us, and even more so to others, that yes, we were there. Photos do not lie. And so with photos showing our hands on the Great Wall of China, our presence has somehow become cemented in history. We were there, and we have photos to prove. No one shall deny us of that.
For some, we do this because we want validation from others. For others, we do this to affirm in ourselves that yes we were there. Or that someone was in our life. And we sometimes want to let the world know that. Sometimes we just need to know it ourselves. Looking at photos of our love ones with us, it may give us more certainty that they are still in our lives, that we are still in theirs. Yes?
Another purpose photos, paintings and scultures serve is to remind us of people who are no longer with us, or whom we look up to and have respect for, but have never met. While the renderings may not be photo realistic and may well have artistic or cultural tinting, it helps us to connect to this person. When we visit a museum or read a book with paintings of Isaac Newton, we may marvel at how this person was one of a series of great intelligence that spark a cascade of technological discoveries, changing human lives even up till this very day. While we enjoy the benefits of modern science and read this text of a browser, on a tablet, with the page dished out over HTTP, TCPIP layers, sitting over wifi (802.11##), UTP, fibre, all served through a web server running a linux kernel (maybe Centos, Ubuntu or Debian distro), we may not even know who Linux Torvalds is, much less feel anything towards him, or the thousands of technicians, engineers and scientists who has made it possible.
It is somehow, harder to feel gratitude or love towards science, technology, mathematics formula or software algorithms, but easier to feel grateful towards people. So we thank the tech support person who restored our account but may not feel so much towards the tools that made it possible. But it is good and important to have gratitude, to feel grateful. As Buddhists would look to a picture or sculture of the Buddha, and have gratitude and reverence for a very special and important teacher, who discovered the way to completely end suffering, many other religions and cultures too, uses scultures, symbols, paintings and photos to remind us of values and teachings. Such connection is helpful to spur us on to the teachings themselves and to realise them. A visual connection of sort.
So why would I want a photo where I am not even in it? Perhaps I am no longer as narcissistic as I was in university, when I would only order photos containing myself. In retrospect, maybe we do that to
also hide our need of others. That it was simply because “I” was inside, so I wanted those photos, not because “others” are inside. If there was this need to hide, it is no longer in me. I’m ok with people thinking what they want of me. I’m ok to admit that yes, I want to be a part of something or that I want someone to be part of my journey in life. I’m free of that bit of trappings. 😉
So the next time we take a photo together, go ahead and smile, or frown, let others know, that you were here with me, in my life, on the path towards Enlightenment. Perhaps in time to come, when we attain enlightenment, and we peer into our present past life, we will smile and chuckle, thinking “For we were young … we’ll be alright”. ^.^
Happy Mother’s Day